PLEASE GO EASY ON ME

(via familyportraits)

1) That Howie Mandel movie where he plays a man raised by wolves. Walk Like A Man.

2) Does it make it patently wrong if they’re not his kids and he’s naked too? I watched a little of the Michael Jackson trial reenactment show today at work.

3) This reminds of the time my Dad was unemployed. He grew a beard, and let his hair go.  I came home early from school and found him, sitting on a stool in the middle of my bedroom, eating a sandwich nude.

4) He said that what he was doing was ok over and over.

5) He offered me the other half of his sandwich. And I took it.

6) My mother came home and found us, both completely nude, eating a sandwich. She shook her head and “went for a walk.”

7) To this day I try to eat a sandwich in the nude when I can.

8) And one day I will eat a sandwich in the nude with my son, and that will be ok too.

Puerto Rican candy pastes are one of those things I always see at the bodega, know that I will never buy, and always find myself squeezing.

This incredibly crude drawing illustrates the possible emotions etc… you might feel if you went to a horse fight, called 911 about a horse fight, or did nothing when you found out about a horse fight.

TRUE AMERICAN NUDITY

Wouldn’t be great if fat Jessica Simpson was never seen without a cone dog?

Sitting on that Pot

Around the same time (7th grade), there was a kid every knew around the way named Mickey Keith, who bragged that he slept with his face inside a dog’s ass.

In 7th grade there was a fetal pig in a jar in Science class. I’d spin the pig in the jar, and feel disgusting and guilty afterward.

PURPLEY BEACH

I’m feeling a little optomistic about being reborn after having a dream the other night where I died. In the dream, I was crossing the street back and forth, for no reason. Back and forth. Back and forth. Or at least once back and forth. I looked to my right, and a Red Lobster truck, sleak, and evil looking, was coming at me full speed. I knew I had no chance of getting out of the truck’s way. So I lied down on the ground, and the truck crushed me. I felt the wheels tearing apart my neck. I was dying, and I felt it, the lights going off. The sensation was horrible, and it is strange to talk about even now. At the precise moment of death, I woke up.