PLEASE GO EASY ON ME

1. I liked the crowd shots the most too. Do I regret not going to D.C.? No not really, just wasn’t really in the right head space.

2. After how long? Two years of Obama speaches? I feel awful saying this, but I’m kind of numb to his rhetoric. The only way he could have got me going today was if he broke down and cried, or if he loosened up and was a bit more of a dude. And neither would have been very presidential moves. That being said I love that our president can speak with such authority and keep it so cool. He’s the man.

3. How crazy is it to actually be able to say that, at this very moment, Barack Obama is president?

4. I think that Presidents should be allowed to wear winter hats without fear of being judged for looking unpresidential.

5. When will the first hot policies drop?

6. I wonder if people still think he’s Muslim.

The concensus seems to be that Osama’s new tape is sub-par. That its been too long since he last dropped new material. That his shit sounds stale. And I agree. The sad truth is, Osama just not hungry anymore. And his tape game has suffered.

MEMORY ETC

- How many days in a row have I had a bagel?

- Why did I go to sleep last night at 5 AM?

- When was the last time I had a sandwich?

- With deli mustard?

- Why did my DVD player break? Is it my fault? Cause I put the tv on top of it?

- Is that a scab on the back of my head?

- Do scabs on the back of your head hang around for that long?

- Is it worse to pick at a scab on the back of your head then it is to pick any old scab?

- Was I serious last night about opening a place called Space Bagels?

- First on the internet, and if that went well opening a physical location?

If I were football player I would have dreads.

SOME BIG LIVING GOALS.

1) To live on a tropical island, preferably a U.S. Virgin Island. To be tan, and warm again.

2) To take after my father and live in the Chelsea Hotel for a spot of time.To enjoy fresh towels and a cleaning woman or man.

3) To live in a cabin in the woods, and grow a real, manly beard without the big patch under my chin or the little patches all over my face. To sit by a stream.

4) To live in NY mostly though. To not be a schmuck.

HOW TO ORDER A BAGEL LIKE A NEW YORKER

Bagel Guy: Next.

You: Yeah boss, let me get an everything scallion.

BG: You want that toasted?

You: No.

BG: Anything else?

You: Large coffee, milk one sugar.

BG: Plastic bag?

You: Why not? Thanks, boss.

Note: I break the rules in that I order very little scallion.

What to call your local NYC bodega counter man if you want to eventually receive discounts from him.

1) Boss (easy and works)

2) Hoss (not nearly as good as boss)

3) Hombre

4) Hombresito (new)

5) Padre or Compadre or Chico

6) You piece of garbage/asshole/shithead (after a long while)

Ways to tell if you’re a New Yorker

Number 15: You’ve eaten at a certain pizza place more than you’ve eaten anywhere else in your life.

For me that pizza place is Roma Pizza, on 7th Ave between Berkeley and Union in Park Slope. And they don’t even give me an ounce of respect there. When I come in they throw me the cold shoulder. Maybe once in a blue moon, they might recognize what my usual order is. I don’t know any of the pizza-man’s names these days. They don’t know mine. A guy named Oscar who worked at Roma a while back, and knew my brother and I as Goldberg, opened his own joint a couple blocks down. But we kept going to going Roma. Loyalty to the institution.

New Years on a Bus

- I spent New Years 2009 on a bus from Hartford to NYC. Basically because of I was stubborn.

- Nobody acknowledged midnight. Not a sound. We were on the highway somewhere, riding through the darkness. I couldn’t see any fireworks or celebrating. Nobody honked their horn on the highway. Nobody even got a phone call.

- I did a lot of reading.

- I did get a little sad at midnight.

- I wondered if the guy across from me wearing the yankee cap might want to mug me or maybe even give me a new years hug. He got off somewhere in CT.

- And I wondered how many homeless people were on the bus. I doubt there were any but there were a few maybes among the 5 or 6 passengers. The ones slumped over in their seats looking beaten.

- I was a broken down piece of meat. In texts I took to speaking like my version of the Ram, saying “hombre” and “hombresito.” Offering fist pounds.

- My friend Steve’s take, “your in transit for the future.” Last night this statement seemed powerful to me. Yikes.